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Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
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11:26 pm - weekending...
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friday night...had a swim meet, got killed...failed miserably. what's new?
snow was blindingly thick, roads like driving on oil, and i had to give to of my friends rides home after the meet.
so i was later getting home than i planned, but i still called up kristin and we agreed to go see hannibal together. one of her friends comes along, so that's all fine-and-dandy, and we go see the midnight show. movie is very good, ending is significantly different from the book, which kinda sucks but i understood why...
so after the movie, we go out to go home, and my boss's car doors were frozen shut. so i spent about 20mins in the ~0 degree F cold. kristin and i aren't really able to talk much, but her friend does eventually pop me the question wether or not i've been thinking about asking her out, which i skillfully avoided being the the uncommited guy that i am.
so anyways, i go home around 2:45am and have to work to get my dell comp packed up. i'm burning off cds, and around 4:30am i go upstairs to the attic to get the boxes for it. i turn on the lights and walk about ten feet in, and the smoke detector randomly goes off full blast. holy shit, i'm scared to death. i grab a chair [which my mom later pointed out to me was an antique chair that i apparently caused some damage to], reach up, and pull the battery. as soon as i do, i hear a loud crash and i see something moving near one of the windows. probably just a tree outside, but its too dark to tell and i'm already scared to the edge. i stand there for an eternity waiting for it to stop, then i walk over to the boxes cautiously, pick them up, and back down the stairs, eyes never leaving the window area.
i come back to my room, waiting for one of my parents to come in and give me a heart attack when they yell at me. but they never come. so i relax a bit, pop in another cd-r and get ready to start burning. and the computer lets out the most awful screeching noise...the cd-r hadn't mounted right, but that finished me. i spent the next bit snapping at anything that moved, until i feel asleep ~6-6:30. sometime around then my dad comes in and wakes me up, and i lay down in my real bed.
only to be awoken at 9:30 to go to work. as it turned out, all four of us [including the two managers] had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep. so we took it real easy in the morning, and worked till around 4, but had to report back at 6:30 for a later shift. and that shift sucked. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of people came to see hannibal. and we were busy as hell. but i finally left, came home, collapsed into bed around 1:30am after watching a movie, and slept for 11hours. at which point i got up and went to work again.
sunday was rough, everyone at work swore i was on crack i was jumping around so. but not because i felt good. in fact, by the end i felt miserable and in between customers i would fall down to the floor and sit there trying to relax some. i left at around 10pm, feeling horrible.
i laid on the couch when i got home, spoke to my sister on the phone, and slept some, but around midnight went upstairs. i was feeling really horrible, and arrived in the bathroom just in time to forcibly empty out my stomach, something i hadn't done for years, and something i certainly did not miss. i collapsed onto the floor for a bit until my mom came in and helped me to my room. i sat there in heavy pants and a thick sweatshirt shivering. i went in and drank some orange juice, hoping that i could hold down some liquids. i was wrong there. right back up again.
i came back in and went to bed in my warm clothes, still shivering, and slept in till around 11:30. i woke up from one of my mom's telephone calls, and did little of nothing for a while, until i went downstairs and got something to drink and laid out on the couch to watch a movie...toy story 2 it was.
i stayed awake for most of it, but by the end i was fast asleep. i slept on again off for again until around 7:30, netting somewhere around 16hours of sleep for the whole day. i also failed to eat one bit of solid food.
today i went to school miserable. had little of my homework done, felt horrible, and was in a tired and apathetical mood to boot. so when i had to go to swimming tonight for a meet i said "no way." and instead went to my three hour delta class. fun as hell, that was.
so now i'm home, tired, tired and bitchy and tired.
sorry.
the weekend update.
--
tedm.
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2001
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5:55 pm
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final live journal entry for a while...
getting rid of this dell pos. don't ever buy a dell guys. they suck.
so i'll be going back to the old slow system for a little bit, but i'll be running a real system pretty soon hopefully.
i may post a little from the old machine. i hope to see you all soon.
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2001
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11:26 pm
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its been so long since i've been able to talk to people online. i used to do it everyday day for hours and hours.
i could talk about nothing, about how great or bad my weekend had been. how cool someone had been. how sad things had happened some where.
anything.
and now, when i have this glut of a few minutes to talk to people.
i can't. i just can't say anthing. peopel i haven't spoken to for weeks that i used to talk to everyday. there's nothing to say. a million things and a great bottleneck.
staring into a great golden sunset.
all of my friends are leaving me because i can't talk to them anymore, because i'm never around. i miss you.
--
tedm.
current music: mineral - slower
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9:30 pm
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and i totally forgot about swimming this weekend.
it was tri-cities, a fairly important meet between many of the local high schools.
my 50 free...well that sucked.
my 100 butterfly...perhaps something to be said for that. a redemption.
i placed 19th, top 12 got to go on. but i wasn't separated by much from that 12.
tomorrow i'm going to tell my coach i want to be in the top 12 for valleys.
she'll probably laugh at me.
but i don't give a damn. i'm gonna do it.
as for the team, some of our guys rocked on.
i didn't have to swim on Saturday since i didn't qualify for anything, so i was there for spirit.
and i did my best, by the time i left i was hoarse and without the ability to talk without my voice cracking constantly. my diaphragm hurt as i breathed in and out. and today my voice was gone entirely. no one, not even my own parents, would fully believe that i wasn't sick.
midland high came out with the big 4th place.
i didn't cheer enough.
--
tedm.
current music: The Get Up Kids - Close To Home
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9:22 pm
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ohmygod.
last night.
i, ted matherly, had a date.
it was unbelievable.
i had to work until 10:30. then one of my friends [and co-workers] came by and we planned to see a movie. as could be guessed, that fell through. so instead, we simply got into my car and drove. first we hit the local big boy (its like denny's for all of those unfamiliar) and sat and talked. around 12 they started encouraging us so subtlely to getout, and so we did.
we got in the car and drove around all of bay city, trying to find things to do. instead of doing something specifically, we just talked and talked and talked and talked.
at 1am, my cellphone rang.
[why didn't i turn it off?]
one can only guess who it was.
"hi mom, what's up?"
where are you? what are you doing? who are you with? why aren't you home?
thank god kristin is so cool.
i took her back to her car, and sat and waited for a few minutes.
neither of us left.
i pulled up on her right, facing the opposite direction. unfortunately her passenger window didn't work and it took forever to figure that out.
so i backed out and pulled up on the driver's side.
"what are you up to next weekend?"
"well...i don't have to work next friday or saturday."
"wanna do something?"
"sure."
and i have a little taz valentine from her in front of me.
wow. so much to be said for normalacy.
--
tedm.
current music: braid - please drive faster
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| Wednesday, January 31st, 2001
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10:47 pm
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tonight i came home and felt miserable.
the world can be a really wonderful place.
it can also not be.
i recently had some great revelation. everywhere i go, everyday of my life. i spend it either being made fun of or being yelled at. that or i'm alone. this isn't like some depression thing, its more of an observation - disturbingly true too. today i went to school and was yelled at for not having work done, for falling asleep, for this-and-that. my friends made fun of me for everything i said with a lisp or an accent, anything. i got yelled at by the editors of the school paper for not doing a good job on some of my work. i got yelled at by my swim coach. oh well.
an interesting day none the less.
how was yours?
--
tedm.
current music: Hum - Puppets
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| Sunday, January 28th, 2001
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10:35 pm
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everyone left me tonight.
just as i was talking to ashley about focus, she disconnected.
grace was gone while i was at work, and refuses to return.
just as i was about to have my most excellent moment with becky, a great emotional outpouring, she left me.
so tonight i feel emotionally held up, at the same time empty. perhaps its a good thing. its all sprawling out onto the papers i'm writing for school.
but when they're supposed to be expositions about the battle of thermopylae and the relevance of the greek view of fate to the 20th century, perhaps its not quite so appropriate.
this weekend was harsh. friday night was spent at home and alone. even the friends in my parents had long gone to sleep. saturday morning i slept and slept until i got up and went to work at 5:30. work was fun in some strange way. i love working with some of my coworkers. i stayed on for an extra hour voluntarily.
i came home and released all the pent-up emotion into "the sims." making the little electronic people behave together. if you've never played it, give it a try. its disturbingly addictive. four hours later i went to bed.
i got up some 5 and change hours later to go to work.
that was fun too, same workers mostly. lots of stuff to do. fun people.
i came home and played the sims again, emotional release that didn't seem to work so well.
simpsons - an old, bad one. a big let down.
and now i'm here.
would you say that i've been sleeping for too long?
is it just the way i see myself that's always wrong?
would you tell me if you thought that i had changed?
i'd never even notice if my voice was sounding strange.
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| Friday, January 26th, 2001
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9:15 pm
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so after a hard week of practice, it all comes down to the big meet at the end of the week. against rivals bay city central. the best part, however, is that i used to go to bay city central. what's more, i swam for them, and know most of the swimmers on the team very well. i was great friends with them until i left two years ago, and then we just stopped talking. i didn't move, i just didn't go there anymore. i hadn't spoken to half of the guys there in two years.
i stood by and watched as they walked in, and as each one that i knew came in, i ran over and shook their hand and said "hey, missed ya man, how ya doin'?" two years gone in a blink and a short, recycled cliche.
i stood by and watched as my midland friends were running deadheats against the central guys. i screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs, my throat rasplike and the words coming back with the distinctive poolroom echo.
teammate and team captain mike kocakeviec swam a nailbiter against old friend and fellow five-hundreder tom moore. he always encouraged me, gave me something to aspire to when i swam that event. mike finished a scant few seconds behind tom.
some five and change minutes earlier, tom had come and said to me "man, i've been thinking about how i'm gonna beat mike in this event, and i can't think of any way." i laughed and told him good luck. when the race was finished, i ran and shook tom's hand and congratulated him.
i swam my worst in all my events, i butchered them. horrible starts, slow flips, bad strokes, all the trademarks of my swimming style. except for the deadlast finishes. i did get a 1st in an exhibition heat, and a few fourth and fifths.
but it wasn't good enough.
final score: midland high: 89.
central high: something higher than ours that i don't remember, perhaps a 96.
yep. i failed. sorry midland. congratulations bay city.
i miss you.
there goes my hero/watch him as he goes/there goes my hero/he's ordinary.
--
tedm.
current music: Hum - Diffuse
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| Wednesday, January 24th, 2001
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10:34 pm - green to me.
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i left swimming today and ran out to my car with no jacket, its so cold out. before i'd left, i had preset the tape deck to a specific point on my hum tape, right between "afternoon with the axoltols" and "green to me." i started the car and just as soon as the engine came to life, four screeching harmonics rattled off the speaker cones. the song continues to amaze me. its so beautiful, so energetic, so full of motion.
"she lifts her wings up high, sensors show a lifetime until we die, and all the dreams details perfected in the colored sky"
when matt spoke this i looked up at the sky and it was all glowing radiant orange and red.
it all comes together some time.
current music: mineral - love letter typewriter
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| Monday, January 22nd, 2001
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10:52 pm - failed.
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today i finally did it. i joined something bigger than me and now i'm posting things here. rambles, mumbled phrases, meaningless and nothingness. yep.
"tonight i'm going to suck....your blood."
so, what to say. nothing much to say. just put up with this for a little bit until i find something more significant, more meaningful to talk about.
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failure's journal